Should we rearrange North America?

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By Carl Fowler | Special to the Amarillo Globe-News

Many things can be said about Donald Trump. One of the most notable is that he is decisive. No forming a Congressional committee to study how much toilet paper should be placed in federal restrooms with an answer arriving, perhaps, in two or three years. And somehow that statement leads me to the following observation concerning the size of the United States: to expand the size or not to expand.

The President has floated the possibility that Canada become the 51st state. He has suggested as well that we annex Greenland and absorb Gaza. I say “absorb” because I don’t think it plausible nor desirable that we have a state in the middle of the Middle East. My question is this: is the President kidding? With Donald Trump, you never know.

I’m not sure why we would want Canada to be a state of the United States. Canada is a great place to visit. Why take away the magic of visiting a foreign country, especially one which is so close to home? Besides, where else can we Texans find another country who calls its cattle guards “Texas Gates?” Calgary is cattle country. We Texans can feel right at home among big hats, big belt buckles, and boots. Admittedly, you don’t see as many of these items in Calgary as you do in Amarillo, but it’s the thought that counts. Anyway, we don’t need a state the size of a continent. I’m sure Alaskans would be upset with a US takeover. Besides, Alaska took away from Texas the brag of being the largest state in the country so far as territory is concerned. With a Canadian takeover of that distinction, Alaska would no doubt resent Canada. I personally say, “Serves Alaska right” if Canada became a state. Anyway, Alaska doesn’t have the Calgary Stampede which is pure Texan in origin. Except for the covered- wagon race. (I’m not sure about that, but it fits the narrative.)

Vancouver is one of the most beautiful cities in the world where it sits on the west coast of Canada. Vancouver is also where you go to board a cruise ship to Alaska. There is something more romantic about boarding a cruise ship in Vancouver than boarding one in Seattle. It’s also the gateway to Victoria Island and the most British city in North America. Besides, I don’t think the Canadians want to be the 51st state. Let’s just leave Canada to be Canada. As for Ontario, I don’t know how to speak East Canadian.

While we’re at it, let’s let Greenland be Greenland. I, for one have no desire to live in an ice box. I suspect that no one but a Greenlander has a desire to live there either. Where did it get its name anyway? From what I’ve read, it should be named Whiteland or maybe Redland. I understand that volcano lava flows hither and you across the landscape, seeping to the surface through cracks in the earth. What a spectacular sight for a tourist. So, let’s just leave Greenland for the tourists and the Eskimos. I assume Eskimos live there. Of course, Eskimos live in Alaska as well. So enough of this. Let’s just leave North America the way it is, except for California.. Let’s leave California somewhere—if we can find someone who wants it.

As for Panama, let’s put it down as the “Jimmy Carter Folly” and move on.

Now, what we’ve left is Gaza. We must move the Palestinians from Gaza so we can make the area a fabulous tourist destination. Israel would be an ideal place for the Palestinians to go; however, I doubt that Israel wants them in their territory. The name “Palestine “is too close to the word “Philistine,” a tribe that has troubled Israel in the past. We might move the Palestinians to California where their weight would be the “straw that broke the camel’s back,” and California would break away from the continental United States to float far into the Pacific and form its own leftist country without the tax dollars of the US. We’ll see how that works out.

Obviously, this column is full of nonsense. I think Donald Trump’s suggestions are full of nonsense as well. And I think he knows it. The worn out phrase “thinking outside the box” applies here. But the “thinking” points out the absurdity of many policies of the left that are seriously considered to be valid by the Bernie Sanders of the government. The nutty AOCs, the unctuous Chuck Schumers and the other Democrats who don’t seem to know they lost the election and continue to spout their Marxists’ politics. They are already out to sea.

Carl Fowler is a retired professor of English at Amarillo College and lives in Amarillo.

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